Ladies and Gentlemen, you are all familiar with Crossfit, Mudding, natural movement, and many other alternate types of fitness training. This article today will reveal my idea for a brand new, completely unique method of training that will surely revolutionize the field of exercise for decades to come:

My system is the Arduour System, a uniquely complete method of completely unique fitness training, taking place over a 4 week rural retreat (at the appropriately named Arduour Camp) that utilizes the secret training techniques of ancient times, to develop the modern body:

Those secrets are the use of odd object training and asymmetrical training regimens to confuse the muscles and develop real, practical, functional strength, the kind of brute strength that literally every man, woman, and child had in the era before social media

Examples of The Exercises

Some of you might be asking what sort of exercises will be done at this Arduour Camp, and which equipment will be used. The next part of this online brochure will go over a sample workout routine for a day at the camp, as well as the muscles and skills trained in doing each exercise:

Weighted cardio: Our cardio theater is entirely outdoors, and our trademark Iron Thew cardio technique trains both muscular and cardiovascular endurance with an exercise that has been used in the Mysterious Orient for thousands of years: Wooden buckets are filled up with well water, and then hung on a long pole. The trainee will then place the buckets across their shoulders in the high back squat position, and then run back to the visitor center, where the buckets will be emptied into the sluice behind the house-a distance of about 1 mile. The trainee can run at any pace they desire (ranging from the currently popular High Intensity Interval Training to a slow jog), but in any case the added weight and instability of the water buckets will utilize many muscles beyond the cardiovascular ones (in particular the muscles of the core and legs), and the heart will be absolutely pounding by the end.

After a 20 minute breather, the resistance training will ensue-a specialized training that will utilize both strength and endurance:

Before lunch, arduour trainees will pitch, tie, and bale hay from 9 AM until completion or 12 noon (whichever comes first): The repetitive motion of using a pitchfork develops muscular endurance, and the pressure of the relatively light weight is amplified by being balanced on the end of the pitchfork-the lever principle (T1=m1a=m2b=T2) shows this to be true, resulting in an exercise roughly similar to the famous Indian Clubs which also use levers to amplify relatively light weights. You believe in science, don’t you? It’s the Current Year!

After the forearms and hands have been sufficiently exercised with hay baling, the hay bales themselves will be lifted up and over the head and thrown into a hay loft. This is, essentially, the same “clean-and-jerk” lift that is performed in the Olympic weightlifting trials, but since it’s an oddly shaped object it’s automatically better! This exercise will work the legs, arms, core, and shoulders to a high degree.

Similarly working the entire body is the farmer’s walk, which comprises the bulk of our program: half-mile walks while the arms are burdened with heavy objects will burn calories, increase strength and stamina, and whip you into shape quickly. The first set of farmer’s walks will utilize barrels-starting at the grain silo, deadlift the enormous weight (a weight increased by the quantity of meal inside of it) up to your chest, and walk with it on the beaten path towards the loading bay finishing area. This will brutalize the arms and make you strong!

Successive sets of farmer’s walks will follow, utilizing bags of flour, bushels of wheat, calves, sheep and goats of all sexes and ages, and turkeys, moved to the same finishing area.

And finally, the fingers and wrists will get an astounding endurance workout, using no equipment other than Nature’s own bounty: trainees will enter the fields and tear vegetation from the earth, utilizing the strength of their hands and forearms-having the choice between cotton, reeds, and corn, or weeds. The plants will be placed into sacks given to each trainee, and will be taken care of by camp staff. In addition to the muscular workout this will provide, it will also provide a substantial amount of “body hardening”-conditioning and callusing the skin of the palms and fingers-a must for martial artists!

This program of exercises will benefit all concerned-you strengthen body and mind, and I…get the satisfaction of seeing your improvement.

More information

Upon arrival at the camp, each day of “work” will take place from the crack of dawn until sunset. Room and board are included with admission. The program lasts from the beginning to the end of September when the harvest is completed, and will do so every year. One month at the camp costs $500, and signing up for  multiple years results in a 20% discount for each successive year.

Please call 1-800-382-5968 for more information. Also, ask about our spring, summer, and winter programs: tree cutting, soil tilling, sowing, gleaning, snow shoveling, and more! A world of irregular fitness training is at your fingertips, as long as you pay me for the privilege to use this equipment and do these exercises. Equipment and exercises that can’t possibly be found elsewhere. Call now! Be sure to tell your friends, family, casual acquaintances, and even random people on the street about how great the Arduour System is.

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Alternative title: Larsen tries satire.