I have always advocated that a museum is the ideal place to take a girl on a first date for a number of reasons. And before you strip me of my barbarian “cred”, and before I get to the alternate title of this article, allow me to briefly give you a few reasons why:

The first is that museums are a relatively quiet place, devoid of the lumbering masses of imbeciles that make up the majority of humanity, and thus giving you ample opportunity to work your charm/charisma/Game/obtuse seduction flowcharts, or whatever you want to call it (I like “pornomancy” myself, but I acknowledge that name is pretty autistic, even by alt-right/neomasculinity standards).

(As a side note, yes I am apparently part of the alt-right now. Hillary Clinton said so!)

Secondly, as both a place of high culture and class (usually), and the location of your first date, it is likely that your woman will dress halfway decently for the occasion, if not dress to the nines. While I certainly appreciate a women in all of her finery, the mere aesthetic pleasure you’ll get is not why I advocate this. Rather, you can use this as an opportunity to observe her behavior-ie: does she know how to dress herself properly, or is she a slob like far too many Western women?

If she shows up in flip-flops, drop her like a bad habit

Thirdly, and bluntly, museums provide you the opportunity to show off-wow the frail with your knowledge of whatever the museum’s subject is, and show her that you are a dapper and learned man about town. Dispel from her any notion of you as a Cheeto-encrusted autiste-and if you are a diligent follower of The Barbaric Gentleman, she shouldn’t have any reason to think that.

Women, Museums, and Excitement

The one problem with this first date is that, yes, it is a bit staid. That’s not to say that the subject matter contained therein is boring (unless you’ve decided to go to one that sucks), but that this first date isn’t really sexy-and what I mean by that is, going to a museum doesn’t really showcase your “Dark Triad” values in the parlance of some. Or to use my own parlance, it makes you appear to be a nice person rather than a Jack-The-Lad/cool asshole.

And indeed, even the nicest girl wants a guy with just a little bit of an edge to him. This man can provide her with the universal panty dropper: Excitement!

“Get [women] excited-a fight is best with the claret flowing, but any sport or shock will do as long as there is a hint of savagery-and they’ll couple like a monkey” says Mr. Flashman.

Would you doubt this man?

 

And finally, we’ve come to the objective of this article-a method of getting into a museum (or really, any place that has a large amount of people going in and out) for free, that you can do with your date to add a little bit of danger and intrigue to the proceedings. In doing this you’ll be committing a crime (At worst a minor misdemeanor), and because of this illegal activity you’ll get your girl’s adrenaline flowing a bit. Combining gentility with criminality-poetry with a splash of blood-makes it a lot more likely that your date won’t end at her doorstep.

And, y’know, you can also do this without a date, if you’re just a skinflint-and I am!

How To Get In For Free

“That digression on sexuality was great, Larsen. Get to the point!” you’re probably demanding, and I will.

The basic method is a variation of the age-old “Bavarian Fire Drill” confidence scheme, a combination of bluffing and acting like an Important Person® which you have likely seen in movies such as Fletch or Beverly Hills Cop

To begin with, you will need a resume or at the very least a sealed manila envelope. As you enter the museum and visit the ticket booth with your date, tell them something along the lines of “Hello my name is suchandsuch, and I’d like to speak to someone from Human Resources”. When they ask why tell them that you are handing in your resume because you are an applicant for an internship/applicant for full-time employment/a visiting registrar from another museum (choose whichever one you think is most believable). Tell them that your date is your assistant/chaffeur/other role you think would work.

From here, begin bluffing based on how the situation unfolds. For instance, if they tell you that they will give it to HR later, demand that you be allowed to hand it to them personally since “face to face applications always seem to work better”.

If they leave the room to go find an HR person, you can in all honesty just sprint past once they’re out of earshot and start taking in the museum exhibits. Or you can wait until some HR biddy actually deigns to grace the room with her presence. Should you choose the latter, tell the woman that you applied to the collections manager/registrar position “a while back” and that you wanted to hand in your resume personally.

They’ll give you the typical pleasantries, and then in all honesty they’ll likely tell you to feel free to look around the museum since you’re already there. If not, continue to bluff-ask to use the bathroom, tell them you’ll “See yourself out”, etc. And at this point, you’re in. Turn off the “con artist” charm and turn on the “dashing intellectual” charm.

While I have never done this with a date, I have done this twice by myself because I’m a stingy bastard, and I will verify that it works. Should you do this with a date, I would imagine that she’d be much more intrigued, much more aroused at seeing you charm you way through then she’d be with just the museum itself.

As alluded to above, this tactic doesn’t work solely on museums-it also works in concert halls, art galleries, and really any place that A)Bars entry and B)Has a crowd you can disappear into.

So there you have it-a nice little con you can pull for your woman, or for yourself. Just use it responsibly, and for god’s sake don’t implicate me if you get caught.