Yes, it’s time for another video from Larsen’s vault: an anti-rapist self-defense video intended with the ladies in mind—and it’s made by the father of the guy who played Scorpion in the Mortal Kombat movie, so you know it has to be good!

Seeing as rape is such a big deal in this day and age (y’know, as opposed to when it was a corking good time in the past), I thought it would be a good thing to do this video, and then revive it as we approach 2018, since rape hysteria hasn’t declined in the slightest in the interim.

Rapist Beware! A specially designed program of self-awareness, self-defense, and “self-offense” to protect against a rapist.

In this video, you’ll learn about how Sensei Shihan Lou Cassamassa is basically the greatest man who ever lived, how to take a bite out of a penis and gouge an eyeball (Represented by common farm produce), how the ultimate self-defense technique is to expel all of your bodily fluids and hurl it into the face of your rapist, and a few actual martial arts techniques. And it’s all set to a catchy 80s pop soundtrack—make sure to listen for the bitchin’ saxophone solo that comes in at the end.

…Yeah, this is honestly one of the more legitimate instructional videos I ever reviewed. Which is…kind of pathetic if you think about it.

And finally, at the very end, I make fun of the production company behind this video and also a video on “holistic dentistry”, and have some animals to bring in the crowds.

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