This week on Return of Kings, I do a lighter and more comedic piece, talking about those people at the gym who annoy us all. Thus I implore my readers to not be one of those people.

I COME TO THE GYM TO DO A BODYWEIGHT ROUTINE

This is the guy who doesn’t lift a single weight, but still manages to take up the entire gym doing his body weight routine. Laying in the middle of the room doing push-ups or bridges or whatever, or doing lunges across the entire gym, being a big awkward “thumb” impeding everybody else’s workout.

Bodyweight exercises are great, but if you’re going to do them, either stay home or at least find an empty room at your gym/health club, instead of being in everybody’s way.

THE GRUNTING AND SCREAMING GUY

Again, a disclaimer: I am aware that when you exhale on the eccentric motion, the air is often “forced” out of you and you involuntarily grunt. That is acceptable.

No, I’m talking about the guy who screams loud enough for the people in the next gym over to hear, the guy who “hypes” himself up by bellowing long, multisyllabic sentences and all in all does everything in his power to embody every stereotype of the pigheaded gymgoing douchebag. Bonus points if Grunty here does all of his barking and bloviating while doing quarter squats or half a bench press.

THE GYM SAGE

…little more difficult to explain, but I guarantee any steady gymgoer has seen this guy before and would recognize it upon seeing it.

This is the—often dad-bod having and thoroughly unimpressive—guy who, rather than actually doing his own exercising, deigns to waddle around the gym giving people thoroughly useless “advice” to people that are actually putting in the sweat equity. And even if he manages to have a halfway decent physique, I think we can all agree that workouts are moments of concentration and genuine toil—only women and gay men see the gym as some sort of socializing opportunity.

This is the guy who gives the sage advice that “machines are better than weights because weights are high impact,” “do heavy cardio after heavy weightlifting,” or other well-meaning incompetent soundbites.

Read it here