Not to be confused with some sort of hypothetical (and presumably much more pleasant) Bryce Dallas Howard sex cult, this edition of Kung Fail deals with Bryce Dallas, a very fat man from Mississippi, and his fake ninjutsu sex cult—and don’t worry, he abused his trainees financially in addition to sexually!
Anyway, who is Bryce Dallas? According to the cover of his 100 dollar book he is a PHD and a theological doctor. His book is titled Konigun ninjutsu, Konigun is not a Japanese word. And that’s just the first of many lies. But we’ll answer the who question later.
Where did he learn ninjutsu? Over the years, he has claimed to study under Insei/Ensai/Enshi Saija, none of which are also Japanese names. How did they meet? Well his story changes repeatedly. It’s either:
- Dallas saved Saija’s son from a bully while in college, and met Saija through him.
- Somehow his mother got in touch with Saija and managed to get a 9-year-old boy from Mississippi accepted for instruction by a Japanese ninja master. (During summer months, of course, so he wouldn’t miss school.)
- Dallas’ parents were both in the military and he met and trained with Saija while they were stationed in Japan.
- Dallas never trained in Japan under Saija himself, but had a white male American instructor who did.
Ignore the fact that the first one is basically the plot of Bloodsport, is there any truth to these? No.
In truth, Dallas first heard of, and became enamored with, the ninja when he read about them from a martial arts magazine one of his classmates brought to school one day in 1979. They began playing “ninja” in the schoolyard, and even fashioned some of their own crude ninja “weapons” to enhance their play. Dallas began to cobble together a childish form of “ninjutsu” martial art from magazines, books, movies and television programs, and fantasizing how he could become a ninja.
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