How to Make a Millwall Brick

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The Millwall brick stands as one of the greatest testaments to man’s ingenuity and desire to have an advantage in committing violence upon his fellow man-violence is golden, after all. Due to the UK’s strict laws forbidding ownership of weapons, the football firms had to improvise the eponymous weapon, named after the town of the same name.

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In practice, what it is is a short blackjack or baton roughly the size of a man’s forearm and made out of rolled newspaper. From my testing of this improvised weapon, it is not the greatest blunt instrument ever made-mainly due to its short length (indeed, the common police billy club is much preferable due it having an extra 4-5 inches), but it can pack a tremendous wallop, and it achieves the minimum standards of any weapon: it extends your range, protects your hand, and strikes harder than your fist. While I would not recommend anybody use this as his weapon of choice, I would recommend learning how to make one of these for violent scenarios that none of my readers will hopefully be involved in, but should be prepared for if need be.

How To Build It

While its efficacy as a weapon is “decent” at best, the Millwall Brick excels in its affordability and ease of use and construction. So much so that this short article can teach you everything you’d ever need to know about this cosh.

The first thing you’ll need, and the only ingredient that is mandatory is paper: many sheets of paper (I would recommend at least 30, but the more sheets you have, the better). Newspaper is best due to its width, but any other sort of heavy paper can be used-construction paper, glossy magazine paper, or even 8×11 printer paper if all else fails.

Place your stack of paper on a flat surface. Here you have the option of “loading” the paper in two possible ways-you can moisten the paper (emphasis on MOISTEN, not soak. It has to stay in one piece like paper mache), or place a small rock or a load of pennies in the center of the top paper. Once you’ve prepared the stack in the way you’d prefer, begin rolling it up lengthwise. Roll it as tight as possible.

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Once you have rolled it into a tube, fold it in half. And with that, you’re done.

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Yes, indeed, you have just improvised yourself a weapon. You can tweak it a bit if you’d like: Moisten it again, tape or tie the ends together, or if you’re feeling real sadistic, drive a few nails through it (note: if you’re going to be stupid and do this, don’t mention my name to the police).

The one “technique” you have to know for the Millwall brick specifically (singlestick techniques that can be applied to all weapons in this “family” will come at some point in the future) is which part to hit with:

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The circled bend in the brick, the “edge” of the paper where the sheets are first bent is the “sweet spot”. That is the single hardest part of the Millwall Brick, and that is what needs to connect to your opponent’s anatomy.

Testing

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A quick and dirty test outside showed that a strike from the Millwall brick was quite capable of crushing a tin can, thus fulfilling the minimum requirement of a club. It reaffirms my original thesis that while this may not be an ideal weapon, it’s certainly preferable to a bare hand in a violent situation.

  • I’ve seen similar weapons made out of magazines and the like. Using it as a club is not a bad idea. I’ve always thought of using it as a knife and striking an assailant with a thrusting motion to the face or throat area. Granted, depending on the strength of the paper, it will only be good for a few strikes, but man does it leave a mark!
    I was proving the strength of a rolled up magazine to some students a while back by jamming it into my thigh. I woke up the next day with a bruise the size of my fist. Never underestimate the power of improvised weapons.

    • I didn’t even think of using it as a stabbing weapon. I’ll have to keep that in mind.