I can already hear my audience groaning at this. “Of course white privilege isn’t a thing, Larsen. It’s just a blood libel thrown against the scions of Hyperborea.” However, as a man of science I like to be fair and objective—and besides, billions of howling innocent-angels-without-ageny—AKA People of Color— can’t be wrong (according to leftists, anyway).

And indeed, in a few, mostly unconscious ways, white privilege can be said to exist. It still is extant (or was until VERY recently) that the overwhelming majority of Fortune 500 CEOS, movie stars, and other powerful people were white (in the broad sense), and in many places whiteness (or at the very least light-skinned-ness) is still the standard of beauty. And that goes for both sexes; OKCupid will tell you that white men—at least those of the muscular “Chad Thundercock” mold—generally have an easier time attracting women of all races, and that’s the real reason that you see minorities with dubious claims of white oppression being angry all of a sudden (buy my book!).

And indeed, there’s still an underlying assumption that, say, the default American is white, which may lead to some (for the most part mild) discrimination, particularly in the form of underlying assumptions that “white man=leader” or something like that.

That much is indeed true. However, to me it seems completely ridiculous to say that there has been no change at all in the privileged/non-privileged ranks between whites and non-whites, at least in the United States. After all…

…How does it privilege white people to have their people’s historical sins constantly talked about, and other people’s sins whitewashed or ignored entirely? 

…Conversely, how are whites privileged when their people’s historical achievements are ignored and/or “blackwashed“?

…How does it privilege white people to be pre–emptively blamed for an anti-Muslim “backlash” (that has never ONCE come) after yet another Islamic terrorist attack?

…How privileged are white Americans when there are at least 7 minority groups that are on average wealthier than white Americans? 

…How does it privilege white people to have several other ethnic groups be more educated than whites, the “most privileged”?

…How does it privilege white people when multiple other groups are arrested less than white people? 

…How are white Americans privileged when the three facts above are ignored entirely to hammer in the “whites are privileged over SOME OTHER ethnic groups” narrative? 

…How does it privilege white people to be the group most often VICTIMIZED in interracial violence?

…And how does it privilege white people to have this fact whitewashed and ignored? 

…How does it privilege white people to be one of the VERY few groups in the United States that pays much more into the system than they take out of the system?

…How does it privilege white people to have non-whites labeled as whites when they commit crimes, but labeled as minorities when victimized in a deliberate attempt to inflate white crime rates?

…On that note, how are whites privileged when the media runs interference for the criminality of other groups while simultaneously slavishly hunting for the “Great White Defendant”? 

…How are whites privileged when non-whites can commit crimes and get acquitted due to “cultural ignorance”? 

…How are whites privileged when hate crimes against them aren’t labeled “hate crimes”? 

…How are whites privileged by their governments openly being against them and desiring to “elect a new people”? 

…How are whites privileged by the fact that there are fields of study seeking to debunk, decolonize, and destroy whites “As a concept”?

…How are whites privileged when mild concern over the talk of destroying “the concept of whiteness” gets brushed off and mocked? 

…On that note, how are white people privileged when an innocuous statement like “It’s OK to be white” starts mass panic across the country?

…And finally, if whites are so privileged, then why are certain minority groups that used to be considered “white” (Persians, Armenians, Arabs, Jews, and Hispanics, to name a few) fighting tooth and nail to NOT be considered white? 

It seems to me that if whiteness were such a benefit and “the easy mode of life”, then the hard fought gains of LULAC and other organizations to be legally considered white would want to be retained. But no, they want to be considered non-white. Perhaps it’s just solidarity between the rainbow coalition. Or perhaps it’s because they realize that being white in 2018 is, in fact, a disadvantage, and they’re jumping off the sinking ship.

Or maybe I’m just a non-sufficiently woke pale individual who needs to shut up and check his privilege.