Well, another Columbus Day has come and gone, and the usual shit came with it. Italian-Americans voicing their pride in their illustrious ancestor, the woke (consisting of Native Americans, African-Americans, Hispanic-Americans, and noodly-armed white liberals) condemning Columbus as the “worst person evar!!1”, and everybody else in America enjoyed their day off from work.

Some districts are renaming the day “Indigenous People’s Day”; a decision that I have ambivalent feelings about. On the one hand, despite the fact that I have repeatedly condemned and debunked the liberals’ beloved “noble savage” nonsense…yeah, Columbus’ actions did open the floodgates for a lot of bad shit upon the indigenes. Whether or not he himself personally was doing that stuff is irrelevant, his actions did ultimately lead to conquest and slavery.

But on the other hand…goddamn do I hate idealized noble savage crap. Besides, does anybody have the slightest idea of how, exactly, one is supposed to celebrate “indigenous people’s day?” As far as I’m aware, there’s no standardized festivities or activities that go on, so I guess we’re all just making it up as we go along.

It seems like every year we have these arguments about the holiday, whether it should be celebrated or not, and if not, then what it should be replaced with. Seeing as how I hate to see an argument drag on and on without any resolution, I’m being the saintly wise man that I am and deigning to solve the problem once and for all.

Considering the demographic and cultural changes ongoing in the United States, the way historiography of the country is done today, and overall trends in not only America but the Western World on the whole, I think I have an idea for a holiday that will satisfy…well, not EVERYBODY, but enough people so that the constant arguing will stop.

I present to you…I Hate America Day!

Sounds pretty good, right? I ask this of my fellow Americans: can you honestly say with a straight face that ANYBODY arounds you genuinely likes the United States of America? For a country that is often mocked for being overly patriotic, I see an astoundingly low amount of it in my day to day life. Indeed, it seems that most denizens of the country are walking around in a state of dull ennui thinking that the country could, to varying extents, be better.

The school system certainly isn’t churning out patriotism—I’ve discussed this recently, but if West Point, the premier MILITARY COLLEGE of the United States, is brazenly anti-American in its history classes, then I have no idea what school is actually promoting pro-American propaganda.

And notice the way that the debate over immigration is handled—in recent years, it has displayed an extremely blatant attitude of “Yeah, we’re coming here, this is our country now, deal with it white boy! You deserve it for bad shit your ancestors did in the past anyway!”, and people who promote this view get multi-million dollar book deals. Which, again, seems a bit odd for a “mindlessly patriotic” country, but maybe that’s just me being a weirdo, expecting rhetoric and logic to make sense or something.

So I think “I Hate America Day” would satisfy all these disparate people—pencil-necked deconstructionist geeks, conquering immigrants doing their victory lap, and angry POC-Americans.

And just think of all the activities you could have! You could burn effigies of the Founding Fathers, bake America cakes (to then chop up and distribute to better people obviously), edit the works of American artists BESIDES Norman Rockwell to have POC in them! The world is your oyster!

Such a holiday could also go across the pond—almost every Western European nation is gripped by oikophobia as well. You could do I hate England Day, I hate France Day, I hate Germany Day, etc. etc.

Or, y’know, you could fairly judge everyone’s history and take pride in your country and culture, warts and all. But that would just be crazy talk.