My new Return of Kings article is a bit light and comical, but still conveys a serious point. And that point is: how to recognize if your martial arts school is, in fact, the drizzling shits. There are many ways to do so, but these four are, I feel, the biggest.

[Fat masters and students] is probably the biggest one (pun not intended). If the master is a fatty, the school is most likely a crappy one. Just to clarify, I’m not talking about an older master who has gone to seed via the ravages of time, but is still as capable of doing the techniques as he was when he was in his fighting prime. No, I mean a lardo that can’t even do ten regular push-ups, lift his leg above his waist, or hold the horse stance for more than 20 seconds.

This criticism of people who are objectively not in shape goes for the pupils as well. I can tolerate a white belt or the equivalent rank being fat if they’re clearly making an effort to slim down. But if multiple students are fat—and high-level belts in particular are fat—you can clearly see that something is wrong. Just look at the featured image for proof of that.

…If fatness is the number one sign of a bad martial arts school, this is undoubtedly the second biggest. Despite what a julienne of hack “masters” will tell you, the martial arts are, in fact, predominantly about kicking another person’s ass. That’s not the only thing they’re good for, of course, but the root word of “martial” is “Mars” for a reason.

The phrase “wildly impractical technique” encompasses a wide spectrum of failure. They range from schools that don’t do any sparring and instead focus entirely on forms, board breaking, and human pyramids—and no, I’m not joking about that last one—to ones that claim to teach their students how to shoot psychic blasts, levitate, or any other sort of magical power that still manages to fool a depressing number of people out there in the world.

Simply ask yourself, “Would these techniques work on a trained fighter?” Or hell, ask yourself, “Would these techniques work on a 15 year old girl that was actively resisting assault?” If not, look elsewhere for training.

Read the article here