Ladies, You Suck At Sucking

The title says it all folks: I’ve always found oral sex to be wildly overrated. I’ve never even come close to orgasming from the manipulations of a woman’s tongue upon my naughty bits, and whilst I have on occasion been compelled to give a woman a tongue lashing of my own, all in all I’ve yet to be convinced that oral sex is anything other than, at best, a form of foreplay. Both uses of the term “suck” may be relevant.

Right now, you might be asking “Isn’t this just your opinion, Larsen?” or “Why the hell are you wasting my time by writing this?” There are, in fact, two reasons:

The first reason, and also the one that mostly drives the writing of this article, is that I wish to make an exhortation to the women of America—for a group of people who are (apparently) so fixated on sex (in the most cloddish and brazen way, ironically to the point of being completely unsexy), many of you are not actually very good at it.

Furthermore, if you would like American men to stop scuttling off to other countries for the women there (and I know that angers you), I would suggest making some changes to your own behavior. And “how to give a proper blowjob” seems as good a starting off point as anyway, so consider this your first step to regaining esteem in the eyes of your men.

And so without further ado, and to counteract the “women are magical creatures who can do nothing wrong” narratives that you hear about this and many other topics, here are some tips on how women can fellate finer, as told by a guy who has received much suck (LOL) in the way of bad fellatio.

1) STOP USING YOUR GODDAMN TEETH

This is so essential, I had to capitalize it.

The absolute worst blowjob I’ve ever received was from a young lady who was just tiny in general—I’d be surprised if she weighed more than 100 pounds—and this minuteness certainly extended to her mouth. I’m not entirely sure whether it was just an issue of “Larsen Junior” being too big for the tiny orifice it was penetrating, or her teeth were, in fact, more narrow-set than the average. Whatever it was, I was greeted with a sharp, stinging pain whenever she wrapped her lips around any part of my penis.

She eventually got the message after I started wincing in dread to gird myself for her oral affections, and we eschewed the issue all together.

Just open your mouth a little wider so your teeth aren’t clamped against the shaft, or at least alleviate the pressure of your jaw. It’s really not that hard.

2) Don’t Literally “Suck” The Penis

Yeah, I know what the colloquial term for oral sex is—don’t take it so literally!

The penis of your man is not a giant bendy straw, and thus you don’t need to literally form a vacuum seal and suck. You’re not going to get much out of that.

Instead, remember this: in this context, the mouth is a hand. The tongue is a hand. The hands…well, you get the idea. You are massaging and palpating the penis, not trying to get the tapioca beads out of your bubble tea at the Chinese restaurant.

3) Relax With The Hands a Bit

The increase of women viewing pornography, I find, has led many women to believe that the key to oral sex (as well as general penis massaging) is to wildly manipulate and contort the hands, twisting them every which way like one child giving another an Indian burn (and before you ask…yes.)

Ladies, please stop doing this. It’s a very sensitive organ, and gentleness is the key. If you must twist the wrists at all, do so slowly. I know you’re desperate to show that your grip strength is equivalent to a man, but find another outlet for it.

4) Clammy Mouth

Unlike the first three thing, I don’t really have advice on HOW to stop this. All I know is that many a time the women who want to give me the old suck job have cold, clammy mouths that are, frankly, a turn-off. Work on that somehow.

And finally:

5) Stop And Let Coitus Ensue

One of the few good blowjobs I’ve had was from a woman who generally enjoyed giving them. Which must have surprised her when I demanded that we get in bed and plow. But nonetheless we did, and I enjoyed it much more than the oral foreplay.

This really can be phrased “don’t refuse to do mundane things in bed”, but I’ve especially seen it with oral sex: some women get so into the fellatio that they NEED to see it through to the end, no matter what. Don’t be so *ahem* rigid.

So, having said all that, you might now be asking “What’s the second reason you wrote this?”

The second reason I wanted to write this article is to ask: why, exactly, are blowjobs cited as the be all and end all of sexual intercourse? Indeed, why are they so overrated?

If you don’t believe me, take a look at how this sexual act is portrayed in pop culture: as something astounding, as something that causes the eyes to roll back into your head, as something that tight-wads “need” to cure them. Indeed, note that pornographic movies don’t portray blowjobs so exaltedly—indeed, from what I remember the last time I regularly watched porn, it portrays oral sex…as foreplay!

Why is the pop culture exaltation of blowjobs the case? Is it just movie producers putting their fetishes on screen? Probably. But as this article by my Return of Kings compatriot hypothesizes, the rise of anal sex has coincided with a general rise of “thot”-ness. Perhaps the prevalence of oral sex is also part of that, for the same reasons given in the anal sex article. In other words, perhaps the pop culture promotion of this sex act is a way for women to feel better about their increased debauchery since, hey, it’s not “real sex”.

Likely? Probably not. Either way, I don’t think I’m the only one who finds blowjobs to be overrated, or has had the enumerated issues with them in the past. If you reading this have felt similarly, know that you are not alone.

  • Charles Martel

    I guess you’ve never had a ZJ before